Hey guys. I finally found out my friend Winnie cuts himself... Yeah... And for once, his pain is not affecting me.
Remember last year, I wrote an entire journal entry about a wonderful friend who would always keep my back no matter what? Well, I guess I was wrong. Middle school is changing so many things, even though I'm only talking about this when we have 2 months left of school. First of, I have random nausea. Secondly, my former BFF has suddenly left me for popularity. Third, my other 'friends' are trying so hard to avoid me. Fourth, this.
Winnie and I are not close anymore. He thinks we are, though. He is a very popular kid. When we first met, he was being shamed for his odd craziness, and I was shamed out for my awkward solitude. So, we became friends. Then, in 4th grade, being crazy stood for popularity. Crazy meant drama, drama meant attention, and attention meant popularity. Winnie doesn't think he's popular; all he knows is bad people are swarming him. Ohohohoho, he also knows this is tearing us apart. So he gives these weird sensitive-sounding, cheesy-ish apologies that sound like they came from a guy that is trying to hold onto his girlfriend he loves, but is unable to hold onto because of past mistakes.
That boy's apologies are so fake, I'd rather have him not even apologize at all. I'm so used to this kind of shut-out treatment...I'm used to him apologizing...I'm used to his drama...I don't even care about it anymore. Of course, don't expect me to tell him that.
But you know what that kid did?! He was cutting! That's not what makes me mad! He was doing it for years! No wonder he always wore a jacket. I'm going through my memories at the moment and I realize; I have never seen Winnie without his jacket! Even at his birthday party; he wore a hoodie!
That is not why I am mad, though. The first person he told was this girl named Katie. Katie and I have this odd frienemy relationship.
We first met in Kindergarten. She was always telling the teacher she was Katie; not Katherine. We separated at First Grade; she went to a different home room. In second grade, I moved schools. And guess what? In third grade, I met this oddly familiar blonde girl grabbing her water bottle. I tried talking to her, but she denied her memory of me. Katie only realized it was me too late. She could only remember my face in 5th grade, when we were taking about which school we used to go to. Funny how we had very different outlooks. She said something like, "It was so fun...I had lots of friends there...but I would never move away from here." I said,"It was so horrible...I had no friends there...but looking at this dump, I'd rather go back." Nowadays, when Katie is with her set of popular friends, she is always screaming at me about my flaws. But when they're gone, we hang out like good friends.
But Winnie told Katie first! Winnie and I have known each other a year longer than her! And I am the last of his friends to find out...seriously! He even told my brother before me while I was at the bathroom!(My brother said Winnie's scars look cool. He kept on insisting he see it again.)
Winnie told me to keep it a secret. He said that all this time, he was worried I would say something. If our friendship is dangling on a string just because of some mere thing, hell, I won't say anything! But I am really tempted to. He sees his 'best' friend struggling with her own internal conflict with depression and anxiety, and he says, "Hell to that...gotta hang with my cooler friends!" He even said that they give him a 'family'! I thought...I thought he said I was his sister! I feel really, just...just...um...looking for the right word while typing...betrayed! Yeah, I feel really betrayed! Well, then, sorry Winnie! I don't have enough popularity, not enough social rank, not enough friends to meet your demands! Guess what?!
I don't care about you now! Get it straight! Stop trying to punch my back at dismissal! You should know by now I'll dismiss it!
You know what, too?! Hell to my promise saying I won't tell anyone about your cutting!
...well, this is where you guys reading come in. I need some advice. Should I really, really tell? I mean, seriously, I think there's something like a law saying I have to tell. But what I'd Winnie's life is ruined forever because of me?! I don't care if his day is ruined because of me(most I have ever ruined is his hour), but to ruin anyone...even my nemesis'...life is just....no! I am really confused about this. Should I say?
Listening to: Life Prolonging Treatment by IA
Watching: E Dying